Insanity Land

Virgin School

May 27, 2010 at 6:52 pm (Uncategorized)

I am incredibly skilled in the art of finding strange TV shows and documentaries to watch. It began with Sex: How to do Everything and continued with a series of similarly strange programs (the highlight of which may have been “Hairy Women in which we meet…well…hairy women who moan about shaving. Lots. Or maybe The Sex Inspectors where couples get told they shag wrong and have to have lessons and be watched continuously by “sexperts” watching through cameras installed in the couple’s home…but I digress). However today I came across the greatest of TV phenomena. It truly is the oddest, most disturbing and possibly the least productive to mental health program of all time.

Virgin School.

We meet a guy who is called James. Now James is twenty six years old and still a virgin. I know. I don’t understand why they’re making a program about this either. So what if James is still a virgin? Surely it’s better for him to be twenty six year old virgin than a twelve year old father of four with eight S.T.I’s and a reserved spot in the dole cue for when he (inevitably) needs it in future life? James is going to learn to have sex. From a school. Which teaches people how to have sex. I know. However I thought to myself that I would give this show a chance. And share my thoughts with you. Throughout. Candidly.

I will post as I watch and label the point in the video in which everything happens. The show is 48 minutes long. This should be good.

3:32: His MOM is on the show. His Mom. She describes her son as “not having that John Travolta Saturday Night Fever strut down the street.” Please tell me who you know who “struts” down the street whilst trying to imitate John Travolta? I must go and find them, video them, post said video on Youtube and most of all I must laugh at them. A lot.

3:56: “it might end with James having sex with one of the coaches” WOAH. Okay. So basically James is going to go to this school where they will teach him to have sex. He will then have sex with his teacher. Surely this is not promoting anything good? I am not in the least bit surprised that this school is based in Amsterdam. Anything goes there. Including, it would seem, twenty six year old virgins who clearly think they have something to prove.

4:25: We meet the founder of this sleazy school of fucking who’s name is Marion. If I saw Marion on the street I would probably think she was a mother of two with a nice husband, perhaps a grandchild, good income (possibly retired). The sort to sip Pimms in her backgarden and plan her daughter’s wedding. Oh no. This lovely lady has founded a school which promotes “better and more love” in her words. No Marion. No. You’re promoting the idea that being a virgin is shameful and you should go to a school to rid yourself of this appalling stain on your character.

4:41: Carla, the intimacy coach, is another woman from the same mould as Marion. She looks like a mother figure. Not a MILF figure. Bridgit, the sex coach, reminds me of Samantha Jones from Sex and the City. Ageing yet still up for it. She seems more the type to run this outfit. If I were a male twenty six year old virgin I’d rather shag Bridgit than Marion or Carla. Just saying.

6:09: James has gone shopping for last minute essentials for his trip to Sex School with his Nan. I’m starting to wonder how he can possibly be a virgin still with his Nan and Mom all but promoting his going out and shagging his way round half the fifty year old women in Amsterdam. Well, I’m sorry, but that’s what it is, isn’t it?

6:41: Ah. He told his Nan he was going to Amsterdam on a confidence class. Did he consider the fact that this show is going to be on TV and is now on Youtube? They’re being followed by TV cameras. I think his Nan might maybe possibly want to see the footage of her grandson on TV. Poor old Nan. She’s in for a bit of a shock methinks.

10:24: Carla just announced she doesn’t have sex with the clients. Good because she seems quite nice and I don’t think I would continue to think she was really nice if she were bent over a bedside table being shagged (probably badly) by poor virgin James. It would put a dampener on our relationship I think. Might make things awkward. I bet Bridgit has sex with clients.

11:50: Aww. This is sweet. They’re sitting on a bed and she’s stroking his hair. Fully clothed and everything. Okay yes I know she’s basically being paid to do it but she seems very nice. Carla this is. James seems a little like a lost child. It’s getting a bit creepy now. But still a bit sweet. Poor James. He got overwhelmed and had to stop.

13:47: His Mom is back and she’s talking about James having learning difficulties when he was younger. He got bullied too. I’m sorry and maybe I’m being a little harsh here but I don’t think it makes going to Amsterdam and paying to be taught how to have sex and then finally having sex with one of your instructors okay. It’s not really is it?

16:17: School reunion role play. Carla still the teacher here. It’s kind of sweet but in a very weird sort of way. She’s pretending to be a girl called Julie and he’s trying to make the moves on her. Things are hotting up. They’re on the bed. James has holes in his socks. I thought his Nan bought him new ones? Obviously not. I hope I don’t see Carla naked.

17:58: Carla is topless. After that James bottled it. I don’t know why. She’s not bad for fifty eight.

19:52: A transition piece about James being a paper boy. More sob stories basically. Apparently his low self esteem makes it difficult for him to do…well…anything.

21:19: “I’ve never really been into women” This explains a lot James. Have you considered men? This isn’t even me taking the piss. Has anyone EVER considered that maybe James isn’t an awkward, woman hating, sex craving looser. Maybe he’s just gay and he doesn’t know it and it’s making him all of those things because he doesn’t understand. Yeah. Of course no one thought of that. Of course not because that would MAKE SENSE.

22:32: Carla has her vagina out. It’s not being filmed. Thank God. Instead we get to see James’ slightly surprised face as he watches her explain all the bits and pieces. Lovely.

23:36: James calls the size of his penis his “greatest fear” and complains that he feels smaller than everyone else. Doesn’t every man have that niggling thought in the back of his mind?

24:46: They’re making him thrust whilst fully clothed and watching himself in a mirror. He must also grunt whilst thrusting. What madness is this?

25:27: James is naked.

26:40: Marion just announced in a voice over that Carla is meant to represent the mother. At the same time her voice over is being applied to a video with Carla touching James’s penis. These people have obviously been reading too many Freudian psychology books.

29:12: “There is something growing in him.” There’s something growing Carla, but it’s not in him…

30:51: Carla has taught him all she can. He must now move onto the sex coach. You remember her? Yeah, the saucy one. Bridgit. It was quite sad to see James and Carla say goodbye. I thought she was going to cry. But at the end it did look like he was hugging his Mom goodbye…which is ever so wrong.

32:04: James is speaking to his friend Dave about his reservations about loosing his virginity. James. You’re going to fuck a woman who is getting paid to teach you to fuck properly and she is going to pretend you are the best thing in the world or she’ll get fired. What’s there to worry about?

32:46: Oh God. Carla, Marion and Bridgit are sitting in a circle chatting about James’ penis size, comfort with vaginas and his general experience. They seem like nice enough people but I can’t help thinking of the witches from Macbeth. Hubble bubble, toil and trouble ladies…

33:54: Bridgit and James have been emailing for a week. Just general stuff. “How are you? Tell me more about yourself. Will you suck my dick when I next see you?” Fine, I may have made the last one up. But really. This is not a date James. She’s not a nice girl you can settle down with and have 2.5 children. She. Is. Getting. Paid. To. Shag. You.

35:20: James and Bridgit are in their first session. Her boobs are out and she’s only been on screen for three seconds. I already like her. I don’t know why. Something to do with how she doesn’t feel the need to explain herself. I like that. She knows what she does and she knows how it probably seems to people and she doesn’t give a fuck. She might take one in the line of duty but she certainly doesn’t give one.

36:25: So now we hear that James has never had an orgasm. Bridgit will sort that out for you mate.

38:09: She sorted it out for him.

40:31: To be entirely fair to this programme James does seem so much more confident now. In another one of his sob story transition pieces to camera he talks about how he’s pleased he’s doing the program and he doesn’t care if people laugh when they see the documentary because it’s helped him. Fair play to the boy. The way he talks, moves, everything about him seems much more like a man of twenty six than a twelve year old now. Maybe this program isn’t all whoring and role playing?

41:15: God bless the boy. His last session with Bridgit where he might have sex with her and he’s bought her flowers. Tulips. Pink.

42:40: James is doing a “sexy” dance as he undresses. I want him to stop. Now.

43:56: “If it’s not special then it’s still an achievement.” Oh James. What has this program done to you? First crap sexy undressing dances and now the belief that sex doesn’t have to be special. Sex is supposed to be special. Or else it’s just you shoving a piece of you into another person and that is not the point.

44:34: HE’S DONE IT. James the virgin is a virgin no more. The question is was he right to loose it this way?

45:55: James is leaving the program now his course is complete and he’s having a little cry. It’s sweet in an odd sort of way.

46:35: “I realise that sex isn’t everything. There are couples out there who live on love and it can be like that. Love doesn’t have to be sexual.” Well done James, you have redeemed yourself in my eyes. Of course you’re saying this after you’ve shagged a lady who gets paid to shag people just like you every couple of weeks but ah well…

The program ended by telling us that although James has not had sex since his steamy encounter with prosti…I mean, sex therapist Bridgit he has found a job at a local cinema and is now in steady employment. So what did I think of this Virgin School? Well. I don’t think I should judge. I mean I don’t totally agree with the principle of it. I don’t agree that people should feel ashamed of not having sex. I don’t feel they should need to go to a place and pay to be taught how to shag and then to be shagged. However I do agree with the confidence boosting nature of the program. It was apparent in James throughout that he was learning and growing as a person. So there’s two sides to the coin I think. Although I bet sex Goddess Bridgit is thanking her lucky stars for her position as chief sexy sex pot. Even if she does have to shag everyone who comes through the door…no pun intended. Or maybe there was. I guess we’ll never know.